Saturday, September 7, 2013


Wallpaperville Horror, pt. II

From the private memoirs of The Betty
Recovered after her disappearance, September 7, 2013

"I boarded the Crazy Train in the Master Bath, rode it to the Guest Bedroom, and now it has dropped me off in between Over and Done and Never Again. I'm clearly headed to Nopeville. Two words, people. Two words that would strike fear into the heart of any WWE pro, linebacker, Green Beret and perhaps even Chuck Norris himself. WALLPAPER BORDER. Oh God, yes, the dreaded wallpaper border. Inconspicuous at first. It likes to ambush its victims. Hiding in the lofty area where wall meets ceiling, it waits. I approach the room with utmost confidence. Simple paint job. No prob. Then, somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain, I began to hear it. It's that song that every horror movie has to have. It's what qualifies the movie to be considered "horror." It sounds kind of like "Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo Doo doo.." It is often accompanied by strobe light effects and rapid panning in and out of the camera. It gets more insistant, growing louder. Then, much like staring at a car wreck, my eyes are drawn upward. And OH GOD THE HORROR! It's everywhere! Every square inch of the top of the wall is covered by it! It reaches out at me, pulsating. It's the pink goo from Ghost Buster 2. It's feeding off of my fear! Help, somebody! Hel----."

THAT'S NOT TOO FAR FROM THE EVERLOVING TRUTH! Gah, wallpaper border! Why, in the name of all that is Good, why! Not just any wallpaper border, now. Wallpaper border that has been laid over the remnants of a FORMER wallpaper border, that was in turn laid DIRECTLY, DI-FRICKING-RECTLY, on the drywall.

"Oh, but that is so economical! Saves paint, saves time? What's not to love?"

Stop, stop now. If such a person exists, which clearly at least ONE did (hence the wallpaper border from Hell I'm currently battling. It may be going down, but it's darn well going to take the drywall with it!) do not speak to me. Do not make me aware of your presence. I have a putty scraper and a wallpaper scoring tool, and I'm not afraid to use them!

On that note, another Tip O' The Day: use the cheap plastic putty knives. Think about it. Your walls are delicate little flowers, and you will be feeling much like Sweeney Todd within 15 seconds of embarking on this little journey! Capiche?


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